Self, It’s Okay Not to be Okay

I’m pretty sure somewhere last Wednesday, there’s this ball of sadness impending and lurking on its target. And, what do you know, this ball hit me. Hard. But there’s no such physical pain, it’s a deep-seated emotional ache that I later on discovered – scattered fits of paranoia with hints of anxiety, hysteria and a couple of self-loathing.

I woke up with radiating positivity, listened to my favorite songs to set up a good mood before exams is a great thing. I was this pocketful of sunshine along the hallways and even at the cafeteria wherein I had exchange of ideas with my friends, helpful conversations about the topics and a couple of motivations from people whom I am very close to.

However, the exam was quite like the book you giddily asked to be reserved under your name in the local bookstore. You’ve given them the title, the author and the release date just to be sure. Just as when you’re ready to pay for the book, you waited for months (if you happen to be a competitive bookworm as I am who wants to get first dibs on hard bounds) or weeks, the book was not in the language you understand. Bizarre, right? So basically, you ask yourself if you still need that. Well, sure you have the book but how can you comprehend? It is present, it is in your hands but it’s challenging. It’s not exactly what you asked for. Will this give you happiness in the long-run?

There are moments when I just cannot get myself. Upon the announcement of our becoming as Accountancy students, there was a collective fascination inside the room, which housed the loud cheers from almost 30 persons, of course. They were encouraging and exchanging banters that they’re closer to the fulfillment of attaching that title after their name. I felt happy that moment, I was smiling and thanking the Heavens for answering one of my prayers. However, the self-doubting me was once again awake and I kept on thinking to myself if I deserve being in the second degree program. There is an absence of fulfillment and with that I think I’m not worthy.

The ball of sadness was within me, I didn’t throw it away. I carried it with me. I chose the sadness to stay that I’ve said words that caused pain to others and I walked away from a very positive occurrence.

Maybe it wasn’t sadness that hit me. Maybe reality did. Maybe it was the universe reminding me to step outside my comfort zone and to step up with adult life instead. Maybe it was my list priorities asking me to realign them. Maybe I was overwhelmed of these things coming at once. These things that define my future. And I should seriously start working on it.

I kid you not, I was never this sad in my life!!! After some intense ugly crying session, comforting myself with Netflix while wrapped in a thick blanket looking like a (not so appetizing) burrito and writing on my journal, I guess I’m quite okay. My friends have asked me how I’ve been. I was not okay and I think that it’s okay not to be okay (sometimes).

Of all the things I’ve done to feel better, I never thought watching Eat, Pray, Love is kinda like allowing someone to slap me with a meat tenderizer.

Maybe my life hasn't been so chaotic. It's just the world that is and the only real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. | Eat, Pray, Love

Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. | Eat, Pray, Love.

These words struck me, life is simple. It’s easy. But it’s always up to us if we’re going to let things be or to be consumed by the mundanities of everyday life.

Eat. Pray. Love. These three were pretty much what I did. I ate – a lot! I prayed and I continued to love myself. I accepted the fact that I cannot figure out what tomorrow brings. As much as I wanted to stay focused on the NOW, I’m human – I cannot deprive myself of thinking about “what ifs” and “could have beens”. I’m convincing myself that life is full of surprises, there’s fun in not knowing where you’re going.

I’ve been blabbering and saying too much here, self.

Always remember self, in whatever situation you’re at – be grateful for every circumstances possible. It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel pathetic once in a while. It’s okay if you ran out of friends to talk to because they have their own lives to deal with. It’s okay to cry. You deserve some intense ugly crying sesh, you’ve become brave and strong for quite some time. Again, it’s okay not to be okay. These feelings are just paying a pit stop in your life. Just a brief pit stop, do not get attached. Let go of the feels, move on and go forward.

Self, It's okay not to be okay. |

You’ve done nasty things, said hurtful words and assumed to be mean. You hated yourself, you were inconsiderate and you caught up a bad mood. But self, it is okay. It would have happened anyway. Now, you  know you are okay. Not totally, but you’ll be.


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