I thought I was over you but obvi, I am still not. Yes, I still think about you even though there were times I told myself not to. How can I even stop, when all the great times and stories flash back? There were times I saw you but pretended to be blind and put on a straight face. Call me a snob- whatever! I was deaf when my friends teased me, calling me out saying that you were there. If they only know the feelings that I have inside, I bet they were able to see the roller coaster of emotions that I still hold on to.
I am thrilled whenever I see you, just like the feeling when the train started to rise. I like the state of being so cheerful, exhilarated and free altogether but it comes with a warning that I need to be prepared for worse thing – enjoying the view from the top of the ride where everything seems too small but hold on because the dropping part is next. I do not like the dropping part though it gives me a different enthusiasm. Falling is like my feelings fell down because I know for sure that the conversation will be over. It only lasted for a minutes or seconds, even. Unlike we had before. But nevertheless, I still continue to ride one. It’s dangerous but I still go for it, even with the loops. It may make me free and excited but I know this will cause trouble. But I cannot help myself. Even thinking of you is trouble. Dangerous.
There were times I found myself thinking of the “might have beens”. Making up for the lost time would not be such a great idea. Some people who knew my condition kept on asking if I still have this thing. It may sound cliché that they wish it did not turn out bad but I stayed mute all the time. I was blind, deaf and mute even. But I was also paralyzed. There were days I wanted to say hi but I cannot. Moments I sought to manage a simple wave but I did not. I even tried to nod but I must not. Those stuff made things more awkward. I could not even start to make a great conversation online, reply to your tweets or like your Instagram feeds. Maybe it is me and my narrow-mindedness to be blamed. I thought so little of you that I did not saw your whole picture. You are greater of what I thought you were, maybe. Just maybe.
Maybe you do not even have any idea what shit am I talking right now. Maybe you are not even aware that I have this blog post even if I share links on my social media accounts. Maybe you did not even care at all. Maybe you just pretended and you caught my heart with little lies. Do not kid yourself. Wait what did I just say? Alright, you are always kidding. Always fooling around. I might have been harsh and might have shut you out a little early but my doors aren’t tightly closed yet. And hoped that nothing will change.
But you closed your doors immediately and everything changed! I don’t think I won’t be able to see you on the other side of the door. (See what I did there? I quoted Taylor Swift!!!) Maybe? Or better yet not. Maybe one day I will be able to leave all dark memories with the doors closed and locked. Maybe one day I will open a new one where I will be able to see things clearer, hear sounds better and speak words wiser. I will be able to stand straight- feeling fine at all- while adoring a new amusement park ride.
From the girl who you blinded, deafened, muted and paralyzed but managed to wrote you this, Me.
Have you ever felt the same? Has someone hurt you but did not know how to say it? Share this to him/her adding a caption, “Hey, read this blog post. I think she put her heart into it and I wish you could give time to read it.” But what you really mean is “HEY YOU! I HOPE YOU READ THIS BECAUSE ALL MY FEELINGS WERE WRITTEN BY HER AND I HOPE YOU THINK OF ME AS YOU READ THIS AS*H*LE” Simple as that or you could do better. Thoughts? Please leave a comment below! I would like to hear from you! xx